I once read this saying by Benjamin Franklin:
“In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”
Everyone on this earth will die at some point, whether we like it or not. However, many people like to talk about death or dealing with loss. It is usually only when we are faced with the loss of a loved one or an emotional loss that we begin to look for answers.
Grief wasn’t a word that existed in my dictionary until tragedy struck. Life was good, in my opinion.
Two days before Christmas in 2018, I went to wake up my 7-month-old twin baby boy, fondly known as MoraC, from his nap after church and noticed he wasn’t breathing. I asked my older daughter to call my husband Tunji, and after one look at him, Tunji immediately told me to call 999.
As he talked to the emergency unit on the phone, I frantically tried to resuscitate MoraC whilst calling on Jesus to help us.
An ambulance came some few minutes later, and he was rushed to the hospital with my husband whilst I anxiously stayed home with our other children. A few hours later when I got to the hospital he was pronounced dead.
I refused to believe he was gone. We prayed all night with a few people from church for MoraC to wake up but he did not. For a whole week, I got my friends and church family praying for God to raise MoraC up. Then, on December 31st, 2018, 8 days later, I finally accepted that my baby was dead.
I was completely heartbroken and devastated. Time stopped for me and I felt like I was in this deep hole of hopelessness that I would never come out of. Whilst other people were probably having a lovely Christmas and New Year break, I was in utter anguish.
All my dreams and hopes of being a twin mum and seeing my twins grow up together were completely shattered.
They say the death of a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent. No parent ever expects to bury their child. Losing a child is a tragedy, and I felt the worst pain ever in my life.
This was my first major loss so it really hit me hard and I didn’t cope very well. I struggled with anger, disappointment, sadness and severe anxiety.
I was fully convinced that God had abandoned me. I could not understand why He permitted my son to die and why he refused to wake him up. I struggled to comprehend why God would give me a set of twins and then take one away?
My church family was very supportive. What helped was them organising MoraC’s funeral as my husband, and I couldn’t handle planning our son’s funeral. I felt so blessed to be supported by a loving church family.
The Super Working Mum Academy community, and the women I coach and mentor, were also very supportive. A few people took over running the community and rallied around me during those trying times.
Unfortunately, I felt that some comments from friends and family minimised my loss. I did not find comments like “be grateful you have three other children” or “he is now in heaven watching over you” helpful. I know they were trying to help in their own little way but their comments did not soothe me emotionally.
Sadly a few friends who I thought would be there for me avoided me. There were lots of times I felt isolated in my grief, but I am grateful for the new friends God brought into my life during this dark period.
Looking back on my journey, I can say that I have grown and I am still growing. The painful loss of my son opened me up to new relationships and new opportunities. It has made me a better listener and more empathetic.
The next level of my purpose on earth was introduced to me after MoraC died. I learned the hard truth that purpose is sometimes born out of adversity.
Even though in the early days, I was angry with God and disappointed, I didn’t have anyone else to run to except him. I cried and screamed, and threw tantrums but through it all God lovingly held me.
1 Thessalonians 4:13 gives us the reassurance of our loved ones being in heaven when they die and not to grieve like those who have no hope. Despite this assurance, those of us on this side of eternity must take the right steps to release our grief.
I gave myself permission to grieve the death of my baby whilst having faith that one day I was going to see him again in heaven.
Above all, I learned that nothing can separate me from God’s love. I still have questions but I am at peace with not knowing the answers until I get to heaven.
Apart from the spiritual healing journey, I embarked on after Morac died, I knew I also had to heal emotionally.
I tried traditional grief counseling but it didn’t help me deal with the pain, instead, it made me feel worse.
One resource that God used to help me recover from the death of my son was the Grief Recovery Program. It showed me the correct actions I needed to take to heal. I then qualified as a Grief Recovery Specialist where I now teach others these same action steps to help them heal from their broken heart as well.
I have worked with many grievers especially women all over the world and their individual recovery has been remarkable.
Through the When Life Stop Podcast which I co-host with another bereaved mum, we have been able to reach thousands of people in several countries to share our story and what has helped us on our journey.
Loss is inevitable however no loss journeys are the same. This is because every relationship is unique. No one can say they know how you feel when you experience loss. Nevertheless, no matter what journey you are on, you can experience healing from the emotional pain of loss just like I did.