Information & Advice
How to Identify Your Secondary Losses
What are my secondary losses in grief and how do I deal with them?
Information & Resources
Managing Secondary Losses
When a loved one passes away, you may have a whole series of secondary losses that come along with it.
These losses are referred to as “secondary losses,” but not because their impact is secondary, but rather because they are a secondary result of the primary loss.
Although not as obvious as primary losses, secondary losses are still devastating.
They contribute to the sense of loss. Developing self-awareness, and identifying the complexities of our own grief, can help us identify the possibility of experiencing grief from these secondary losses.
With this guide on managing secondary losses in grief, we hope to give you information and support about how to cope with secondary losses through understanding and developing strategies.
In this managing secondadry loss guide you will find:
How to identify secondary losses?
This section explores questions to ask yourself when trying to identify secondary losses.
The secondary losses are the subsequent changes as a consequence of the death of a loved one and typically range from negligible and momentary to life-altering and permanent.
These losses may add to the pain, stress, and challenges of the grief that you’re experiencing . If this sounds relevant to you, consider making a visual map of your secondary loss.
Visual writing can be extremely effective when identifying your emotions and validating the shape of your grief. Let’s take a look at some general questions you may want to consider when identifying your secondary losses.
You can identify your secondary losses by answering the following questions
Seven universal key areas are identified and addressed in questions around a death of a loved one.
By answering these questions below, you can identify your secondary losses, understand the impact on your life, take steps to begin rebuilding and rebalancing your life.
- Who was your loved one? Was your loved one important to you? What did they mean to you?
- How has their death impacted your sense of identity?
- What was so unique about your relationship with them?
- What are the lone moments when you miss your loved one the most? Is it a particular day, time of the week or month?
- What were the things you used to do together? What are the things you’ve done that you wish you could do again?
- What are the unique memories, opportunities and events that you miss the most?
- Which relationships following the death of your loved one appear strained? Do you know why?
- What were your expectations of them?
- Have your friends been supportive and helpful, or has your experience been disappointing? In what ways?
- What could be done to get your friends on board?
- How close were you to the person who died?
- How dependent were you on them?
- How dependent were they on you?
- How emotionally secure were you with your loved one?
- How was your relationship with your loved one before the death?
- What kind of losses have you experienced in the past?
- Have you completely overcome those losses?
- If yes, what coping mechanism did you use to overcome those losses?
- Are there financial security losses?
- What has changed in your financial situation?
- Under these conditions, how did your lifestyle change?
- And what about your holidays, travels or special events?
- What are some of the hopes and aspirations that you know have changed?
- In what ways has the death of your loved one changed the direction you thought your life was headed?
- Has this situation influenced or questioned or changed your belief in God, your belief in life, or your belief in people?
- What are some of the things you consider to be “unfinished” in your life due to the death of your loved one?
- What role(s) were played by your loved one in your life?
- How has this situation affected your role in other circumstances?
- What were the shared roles between you and your loved one?
In the Home:
- Has the death of your loved one meant that the roles have changed?
- Are there any tasks that you miss doing for your loved one?
- Are there tasks and responsibilities that you have had to take on because of death?
- How did your life change as a result of death?
- What are the new roles you now have to take on? What are the roles you no longer need to play?
- If you were their caregiver:
- How has the loss of your loved one affected you as a caregiver in terms of your ability to operate as before?
- If you have children, what are the fears and concerns you have about your children?
- What are the fears and concerns that you children have expressed that needs to be addressed?
At work:
- Has the death of your loved one affected your ability to work?
- How much help or understanding have you had in the workplace?
- What are the most significant changes that occurred in your life since that primary loss?
- Are you experiencing positive life events or negative life events?How much stress do you feel in your daily life?
- What are the challenges you’re facing as a part of a community?
- What things are helping you get through the difficult time?
- How committed were you to your faith before the events that led to the death of your loved one?
- What sort of questions has the death of your loved one brought to light about your faith?
- Is there anyone you trust to be able to have these unfiltered conversations around the questions you have? If not why?
- What types of help have you received from your faith circle to help you on your new faith journey? (apart from financial help if you received one)
- How has “the system” worked for you? Do you feel let down by the system? If you do, could you expand on the reasons?
- What community, organisation or resources have been helpful?
- Who could you call to help you find out about the resources that may be available to help you?
- How have you been treated by the health care system or medical resources?
- What has been your experience with your GP, or with emergency or regular hospital care, home help, nursing care.
- How were you treated by the funeral home?
- What about assistance that should be available from government, community, church, social services or many other agencies?
- Have you been pleased or disappointed by the way you have been treated, or the way “the system” has worked for you?
Strategies to deal with secondary losses
In this section, we explore some strategies and coping mechanism for dealing with your identified secondary losses
Here are some strategies for coping with secondary losses
Secondary losses require coping with the unexpected changes in your life as a result of primary loss.
Most people may not immediately recognise their secondary losses as they don’t show up all at once and slowly begin to impact your life in unanticipated ways.
You’ll most often experience secondary losses as you go through the stages of grief while getting back to your normal life.
The suggested question “to ask yourself to identify secondary losses” is a great first step in learning about your secondary losses which will be followed by identifying the necessary actions or steps to help you cope.
The next steps may take the following shape:
Acceptance
Accepting your new reality is the first step you can take towards healing your grief. In the grief model, acceptance is the last step but for coping and working through the loss, it comes first in the healing process.
Loss Resolution
You have to accept that the loss is real, and the associated pain is a consequence of it. The healing process for secondary loss is not the same as initial loss.
Almost every grief therapy model overlooks the intensity of secondary losses and doesn’t give them importance in stages of grief.
Disbelief and Denial
The primary loss is always followed by a strong sense of disbelief that your loved one is really gone, and you won’t be able to see them ever again. Grief expert J. William Wordon has introduced four important tasks to get out of this phase:
- Accepting the reality of the loss
- Experiencing the pain of the loss
- Adjusting to new life
- Reinvestment in a new reality
Intermediate Period of distress
After the death of your loved one, you’ll keep on getting invitations for couples’ activities or similar stuff. Many people would be confused about whether to invite you to their couple’s dinner or couple’s night outs or not. Don’t worry it may take some time to adjust.
Recompense and Reshuffle
The last stage includes the acceptance of your Loved one’s death and reorganising your new life. After having adequate time to grieve your loved one’s death, you can put closure behind you by indulging yourself in some grief rituals.
How to Deal with Cumulative Loss in Grief?
Sometimes cumulative grief is recognisable, and sometimes it’s not. Understanding the intensity of your grief can be the best way to acknowledge it and validate your experience.
Cumulative grief feels like you’re buried under the mountains of loss, and there’s no way to get out of it. No matter how significant your loss is, you don’t have to be held captive by it forever.
You can transform the suffering into compassion and wisdom by allowing yourself to mourn your loss.
If only there was a secret formula or magic button that we could give to help you instantly get out of your cumulative grief! However, there is a process that can help you work through it.
Resolve the Past Losses First
Ask yourself, is there any loss from your past you’ve been intentionally avoiding for years. If so, it is probably impacting your ability to deal with current losses.
Stretch back to your timeline and determine the losses you have disregarded. Then, allow yourself to feel and grieve each of those past losses fully.
You may find it difficult, but it will help you walk through your feelings and find a better way to deal with new losses.
Find a Way to Express Yourself
You may find it difficult to open up about your feelings because when you have a lot of emotions to process, it can be overwhelming to face them.
But it always helps to have another person to talk to about your feelings. Consider joining a support or counselling group to express yourself without hesitation.
Make Way for Joy and Sadness
The loss of losing a loved one, such as a spouse, is so big that the grief won’t just go away. But in those moments of sorrow, you have to make room for some joy too.
It’s ok to miss your loved one; just honour your joy and sadness in grief anniversaries, and you’ll feel that those memories you’ve shared together aren’t painful anymore.
Find Peace
Remind yourself that you’re not broken and there’s something beautiful waiting ahead of you. Visualise yourself no longer buried by the mountain of sadness.
We know your heartaches and you feel tired, but you can choose to heal and can move into peace.
Supporting Someone Grieving through their secondary losses
This section explores how a bereaved person’s social network of friends and family can support them as they learn to adjust and cope to the various secondary losses.
Ask How They Feel within a specified period
BE quick to listen and slow to speak. When asking how they’re feeling, be sure to ask “how they feel witihn a specified period, e.g. how have you been this morning?” The feelings of a grieving person change quickly so don’t assume how the person is feeling at a given time. Ask them how they’re feeling and let them know that it’s ok to share their feelings with you.
If you have a similar experience, share it with them to show empathy and make them feel they’re the not only ones who lost a loved one.
Be Present and Genuine
Don’t offer unsolicited advice trying to minimise their loss. Try to be genuine in your communication and express your real and honest emotions to comfort them.
Assist in practical ways
Be as consistent as you can with your offers of assistance. By doing this, the grieving individual will know that you’re going to be there no matter how long it takes and can look forward to your attentiveness without having to repeat themselves constantly.
Maintain ongoing support
Be as consistent as you can with your offers of assistance. By doing this, the grieving individual will know that you’re going to be there no matter how long it takes and can look forward to your attentiveness without having to repeat themselves constantly.
Keep these three principles mind when supporting someone grieving:
- Be wary of assumptions based on appearances.
- Be extra supportive on special days.
- Continue your support over the long haul.
Conclusion
Our hope is that this step-by-step managing secondary loss guide has eased what can be a very draining process.
It is our goal to help you understand the grieving process, secondary losses, grief triggers, and how to engage with your grieving process which will help you with some proven and most effective ways to move forward with your life and to find a new balance in your life.
In this comprehensive guide on the managing secondary losses in grief, we’ve examined what other types of losses can be experienced by those grieving a loss of a loved one. According to our research, there are 40 major life events that are grief triggers and can be classified into 40 categories.
Additionally, we discussed how to identify your secondary losses, validate your grief and how to move through your grieving process.
We would appreciate it if you could let us know if there is any additional information we should include in this resource
